Open Letter To The Devil

“He broke my heart.
You merely broke my life.”
-Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

The reality is, there is no one on this earth who compares in the amount of pain you have caused me. No childhood predator, no failed relationship compares to this. After a lifetime of overcoming deep set fears that I was utterly replaceable, only you have managed to threaten my new found self worth to this degree. For instance, when I look back at the pain of loving an inaccessible man with all my being for seven years, and relive the daily agony of that, and recall how it tore down my marriage and threw my life into constant turmoil, it pales in comparison to what you have done. For even in not choosing me, that man managed to relay to me that I was still deeply worthy of love, just not with him. Only you have managed to make me doubt the self worth he in actuality helped me to build. So if I am being honest with myself, as of right now, on this day, I would rather gauge my eyes out with a rusty spoon than return to the person who reduced me to nothing, who kicked my self worth back down the indomitable jagged mountain of genetic and dispositional obstacles I had excruciatingly climbed these past three decades of existence. You would have to erase all the people and places that surround you, disappear from the place where you laid your soiled bed, eradicate all the reminders of what you are capable of, and appear before me an anonymous lost soul as you did when I first saw you so long ago, for me to ever be capable of overlooking what you have wrought in these months. You told me you thought I would be proud of your accomplishments, when you in reality have not only accomplished nothing at all, but actually regressed on every gain you had made in the time you had known me, returning to the smoke and mirrors version of success that you have held to all your life, scaffolded by self deceit and immorality. I am anything but proud of you. While I bear no crystal ball to what the future will hold, right now I truly believe that to return would be to say to myself and to the world that I truly am worthless. But, here is the thing: I have not lost sight of my worth altogether. And so, despite my obvious and desperate and downright foolish love for you, today I choose me. I choose my worth. Every day, I want to choose my worth. And to choose me, every day I must not choose you. For you have come to stand for everything I am not. You are the devil whispering that I am not worth more. And I am here to say to you, that my wings are far stronger than your thorns.


About A B

"There is all this untouched beauty, the light, the dark, both running through me." -Over The Rhine
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